I am Deltron (8:57:42 PM): well, my dealer is here to pick me up
I am Deltron (8:57:44 PM): so I gotta run

Hhaha i love chris.

So...no one reads this, which comforts me. I haven't written in a hellova long time, because I've been on tons of coke, all summer. I didn't mean to get into it, but my best friend was the only returning friend I knew at camp, and she happened to have crystal meth... so I got into that for a while. It's an amazing feeling and it made me lose my appetite and feel awesome... but then we ran out. So we got coke instead, and we've been doing that ever since, which has been like 3 weeks...

So tonight I'm on a plethora of substances.. including cocaine, smirnoff, beer, benadryl, sudakoff, and more. I have broncitis, hence the cough/cold medicines. But they are so much better when overdosed or taken with alcohol. It makes them far more entertaining. I have a week left of camp, and when I go home, my parents will either learn about my coke addiction, my tongue ring, my alcohol addiction, or all of the above. I am basically addicted to everything I get my hands on.

Now it's 4:45am and all of my friends are asleep. I sit here, awake, drinking more, taking more pills, hoping to be more fucked up. I know I'm not normal. I know I am perhaps suicidal, but I can't possibly own up to it! I can't tell my psychiatrist, because then he will tell my parents. My parents have absolutely NO IDEA about anything!

They will be shattered. I am the "perfect" child. I am the only one who has continued with college, the only one with an undiagnosed drug addiction. My older brother was addicted to cocaine, heroine, acid.. my OLDEST brother was addicted to psychadelics, like acid. I am the NORMAL one! I am the savior of the family! But I feel I am the most fucked up of all, because I hide it!

They have  no idea I have been smoking cigarettes since I was 12, pot since I was 13, taking hard drugs like crack and X since I was 14. I hid it all.

How can I break it to them now? My grandmother just died, my mom's mom.. so she is heartbroken and on anti-depressants. My father is an abusive, depressive alcoholic. He will NOT take the news well.

But I feel the only way for me to truly get better is to go to rehab. I haven't been sober since January 3rd... over 7 months. Every day, stoned or drunk or tripping or strung out on meth or coke.

But I still passed my classes. I still did well in an honors college.I still accomplished the standards my parents set for me.

Now I drink and take medication for broncitis... strong meds with codine...

And I'm fine. My tolerance is shot. I had surgery a year ago and they were AMAZED at how much it took to knock me out. I told them i had a high tolerance...

So this is the end of this post. Hopefully I will write more in the future. And hopefully if you know me personally, and you read this, you will not gossip. PLEASE, do not gossip. This is MY business, no one else's... I just have no where else to write all of these thoughts.

Comment with advice or compassion. Please, no criticism...

Don't know if anyone actually reads this xanga, which is probably a good thing...

So I'm in the mountains of Western North Carolina, working at an all girls summer camp for my 3rd summer (as a counselor) and my 6th yr overall at this camp. It's fun except for the demanded sobriety. Thank god one of my good friends came back, so we can be mischevious together. So far this havoc is limited to cigarette smoking, but this camp is sooo straight edge that even that is a big issue.

Sneaking off to smoke... looking out at the full moon and bright night sky, a lake below and woods all around. I feel like a camper again. In fact, the first time that I ever experimented with drugs was at this camp. I was 13 and we broke into the kitchen late at night- stole some whipped cream, did whip its. Then the next summer we would sneak off to a nearby waterfall and smoke joints. Vodka in water bottles, hidden hordes of smokeable items, ah, summer camp.

Strange how some things never change...

I know its WAYY early for this entry considering this school year is just ending, but I think I know what classes I want to take next year, and I'm already uber excited for them!

First Semester

Advanced Latin: Ovid's Metamorphoses- Prof. Rohrbacher

Medieval Europe- Prof. Benes

Cultural & Historical Exam. of Colonial Latin America- Prof. Dungy

Modern European History I (1648-1870)- Prof. Harvey

Second Semester

Advanced Latin: Suetonius, Life of Nero- Prof. Rohrbacher

The Black Death (Seminar)- Prof. Benes

Race and American Identity, 1492- present- Prof. Johnson

Modern European History II (1870-present)

Wo0t, finally narrowing my scope, taking classes crucial to my major (History/Medieval Renaissance). This year I took Latin I and II, Creative Writing, Religions of S. Asia, Astronomy, Chemistry and Society, American History 1492-1865, and Intro to Medieval Manuscripts. That's 2 language, 2 history, 2 science, 2 humanities. Next semester it will be 2 language, 6 history

One of these...

Take this quiz, post the results, and see how much things have changed since then.

5 YEARS AGO

How old were you?: 14

What school year were you in?: 8/9

Where did you go to school?: Hidden Oaks Middle School (wiggahs and hicks) and Martin County High School (the shithole built on a landfill, behind the jail)

Where did you work? No one would hire me at 14, not even Publix!

Where did u live?: at home

Where did you hang out?: the mall, the woods, a tree house, sketchy neighborhoods at night

How was your hairstyle?: short and black (like Winona Ryder)

Did you wear braces ? no way

Did you wear glasses?: no

Who was your best friend(s)? Carolyn, Bryan, Tara, and a bunch of other people who didn’t graduate high school and ended up either homeless, jobless, or pregnant.

Who was your boy/girlfriend? Yes. Kevin. The 17 yr old bassist with dreadlocks.

Who was your celebrity crush? Uh someone badass like Colin Farrell

Who was your regular-person crush? My boyfriend?

How many piercings did you have?: 4 (got numbers 3 and 4 when I was 14- my pierced them myself at a friends house. Also attempted piercing my belly one drunken night of this year, it got infected and I had to take it out.)

How many tattoos did you have?: 0

What was your biggest fear?: death, abandonment

Had you smoked a cigarette yet?: Yep. I used to smoke in the bathroom at school, behind the classrooms, and at the mall. I was hardcore

Had you gotten drunk or high yet? O yes. That was why we went into the woods and hung out in sketchy neighborhoods.

Had you driven yet?: no.

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LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW
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How old are you?: 19

What school year are you in?: 1^st year of college

Where do you go to school?: New College of Florida

Where do u live?: Sarasota

Where do you hang out?: my room, palm court, outside classes, near the hunch punch or keg…

How is your hair style?: LONG (for me)… like 2 inches past my shoulder, dark “cherry brown”

Do you wear glasses?: no.

Who are your best friend(s)?: Lisa, Andrew, Morgan

Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend? Lets not talk about that..

Who is your celebrity crush?: Still Edward Norton, Johnny Depp…

Who is your regular-person crush?: WTF IS WITH THESE QUESTIONS! :-X

How many tattoos do you have?: 1

How many piercings do you have?: 7 (all on my ears. Since the belly button escapade I also attempted to pierce my nose, but that didn’t work either)

What is your favorite band?: O no. Matthew Good Band, 3 doors down, korn, incubus, deftones, sarah mclachlan, eisley, offspring, AFI, system of a down, Tsunami Bomb, KMFDM, Flyleaf, Aphex Twin, Kidney Thieves, Tool, Death Cab for Cutie, Ani Difranco, Flogging Molly, Porcupine Tree, Sneaker Pimps, Portishead, Radiohead, Sublime, Tilly and the Wall, The Bravery, Vast, Stabbing Westward, Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Plain White T’s, Machine Head, Benton Falls…

What is your biggest fear?: Flunking school.

Have you driven yet?: I like to drive in my carrrrr, the Yoda!

Have you smoked a cigarette yet?: oh boy. Too many, everyday.

Have you gotten drunk or high yet?: HAHAHAHAH. My life!